What Has Gone Wrong with Men?
Aug 17th, 2010 | By Adam
Not 5 minutes ago I received this email:
Dear friends
In the last couple of months I have come into contact with many women who are intelligent, attractive and ”normal”. Most of these women are in their early to mid 30′s and are having a very hard time finding dates.If you know of any men who are single, ages 30 – 45 years old and of course, “chuppah material” please be in contact with me.
A few weeks ago one of our (married) donors came to our Center and noted the abundance of great single women. He then set about interviewing the guys to try some unofficial matchmaking. He quickly hit a brick wall and stopped, the guys just didn’t seem to be interested.
A week and a half ago I had a conversation with two attractive and intelligent single women who agreed that it would be a detriment to their dating lives to display too much positive character or be too “nice”. “It’s sad, but guys just aren’t into that” they explained.
I can’t tell you how often we advertise a program (especially dating events) where the women slots are filled within days and we are left to beg, cajole and incentivize the men to show up. I’ve been doing this job for 10 years and the issue just seems to be getting steadily worse over time. It just forces me stop and ask- what’s up with the guys?! (Disclaimer: the following does not apply to ALL men by a long shot. Just a lot of them).
Some thoughts:
#1. Guys are no longer expected to grow up. Whereas in the past a boy looked forward to joining the “adult” world-which in those days meant taking more responsibility, getting a steady job, finding a wife and starting a family, and being a stable, consistent provider for all. In contrast, have a look at this excerpt from Michael Kimmel’s “Guyland”:
“In college, they party hard but are soft on studying. They slip through the academic cracks, another face in a large lecture hall, getting by with little effort and less commitment. After graduation, they drift aimlessly from one dead-end job to another, spend more time online playing video games and gambling than they do on dates (and probably spend more money too), “hook up” occasionally with a “friend with benefits,” go out with their buddies, drink too much, and save too little. After college, they perpetuate that experience and move home or live in group apartments in major cities, with several other guys from their dorm or fraternity. They watch a lot of sports. They have grandiose visions for their futures and not a clue how to get from here to there. When they do try and articulate this amorphous uncertainty, they’re likely to paper over it with a simple “it’s all good.”
#2. Guys have all of the privilege of marriage without any of the responsibilities. Twice in the last week I was told about men expecting sex on the first date and then cutting off ties when it was not received. In my opinion, this freedom of access only serves to deaden the man’s interest level and feed his natural desire for promiscuity. So whereas the poor women think they will only be able to keep him if they do, in the long run it will just speed up his lack of interest.
#3. The ubiquitous ease of the Internet as an outlet for sexual fantasy is ruining guys ability to be in a real relationship. Not so long ago a man had to creep into a seedy store in Times Square to feed that beast, now the most depraved acts are clicks away in the privacy of his own bedroom. What girl could possibly measure up (physically) to the professional lust machine that is that industry? After a while, everyone starts to seem boring and who needs the hassle of dealing with the emotions and needs of an actual person when this other thing is so readily available?
I’m not a sociologist and I know that there are many other complex factors at play here. I mentioned some of this in my class last night and one man bravely dissented and suggested that women have some of these same issues. Maybe so, but from my vantage point it is MUCH worse in “maledom” right now and it is generating a big crisis for the serious, intelligent and accomplished (single) women who seem to abound.
Does anyone else see what I do?
